Life is hard. Today, my friend came to my rescue and saved Valentine's Day for my family. I had forgotten about it. She invited me over, set out the card-making supplies, let me steal her creative ideas, allowed me to ice and decorate sugar cookies she had baked--all for MY hubby and kids. They will wake up to treats and valentines from their mommy. I am not myself. Things that usually matter to me, excite me--don't today.
It's not that I am not happy for Bryan that his struggle is over, his race is finished. I am. I have praised God a hundred times for that very fact. I am just sad for me--mine isn't. This week has been tough. He will always be 36--even if we did celebrate his birthday without him. I, on the other hand, will age with each passing year. Each year without a brother. Spending all this time looking at yearbooks, reading words from the past, looking at childhood photos has made me a bit nostalgic, a lot mournful. I think I need some sunshine! :)
Anyway, I am not that young, pure, innocent girl anymore. I have suffered and seen ugliness. We all have. Bryan did too. And he wasn't as tough as he let on. This world can be cruel (I acknowledge that is can be fabulous too! But I am in a grim and grumpy mood. My favorite song is still "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong. Though I am not singing it tonight. ) and I did not fully understand that when I was younger. I remember when I went bungee-jumping: I was so fired up, fearless. But when I finally looked down from the top, I screamed in panic: "I changed my mind!". Well, I changed my mind about this ride--I am ready for the hurting to stop now.
But I will go on. My weeping momma will stop crying every time she says his name. My quiet daddy will be loud again. My kids will wake up to a mommy who has remembered how to grin. It is going to be okay. Do you know how I can type that--even when I am feeling blue? Because I have been reading the Word. And it is True. And I have Hope. I am praying for a new song for my family. One we can sing even through the tears. Will you join me in that prayer? Sorry there is no humorous story tonight. But I guess this is part of the ride. And I don't get to decide when I get off. So for now, I am hanging on for the bumpy part.
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3 comments:
My dear sweet baby girl I am sorry to say that the ride never does truely end.....it will become tolerable and you will find your song.....and when our time here is over that is when the ride ends.....that is only my opinion.....a time will come when you will be able to say his name without tears.....but for now let them come,it is part of the healing.Peace & Love,Aunt Ingy
Kelly,
I just wanted to let you know that those of us here, an ocean away, are thinking of you every day. And your mom and dad, and of course, Bryan. I'm keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. I can not explain to you how wonderful this blog is, even on the hard days. I never really got to know Bryan, and this is my way of getting even a little piece of him to remember and hold on to.
"For every difficult day that passes after our loved ones have left us, let us always remember that they have an eternity of wonderful days in the embrace of our lord, and let us smile, even when were crying for they are finally at peace."
I love you Kelly.
Kerstin
thanks for your sweet words kerstin love. i know you did not get much of chance to know bryan and i am sorry for you dear girl. i am glad the blog brightens your day. i will keep it going. my heart is full of precious memories of my brother. so continue to get to know him here. and wait. with me, to see him again one day.
i love you too. smiles and joy, kel
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