Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Scattering His Ashes

We leave tomorrow morning and head for Big Bear. It is Bryan's 37th birthday. He and I would have been the same age for two months. For many years, Bryan took us all up to the mountains to celebrate with him on or near his February 5th birthday. So we go without him tomorrow. But in his honor, to celebrate his life, to hug and cry and remember all the love he shared with us. It will be painful. One month and 21 days--that is all the time that has elapsed since his unbelievably sudden and unexpected and tragic and horrible and ugly and awful and unimaginable...death. The wound is too fresh, still so new and deep. But we go because what else would we do tomorrow? We must, I was compelled, we all are--to go where he chose to go and be where he liked to be for his birthday. I am not a glutton for misery. I wish with every cell in my body that I did not have this task before me: to spread his ashes, "...for dust you are and to dust you will return." On his 37th birthday. I add this to the blog because it is a chapter in his story and I cannot edit the story, no matter how badly I want to.

This is what I plan on sharing up there on the mountain, overlooking the lake, in some private spot as we cast his dust into the wind:

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he is gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what Bryan would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
It is a pep-talk for myself. If you loved him, maybe they are words of encouragement for you too. Please pray for our immediate and extended family as we gather to complete this last paragraph in the chapter of Bryan's story called death. It is not the final chapter of his story--his will go on for eternity. I am convinced and assured of that. But this is the last task left to his earthly body--to return from where it came.
ps-The Playlist for today is playing the music that I chose for the service.


Anonymous said...

My dear family: Let yourself's be yourself today!Allow God to comfort you and Bryan to wrap his spirit around all of you today.Peace and Love to all!

Jackie said...

"Let me hear in the morning of Your steadfast love, for in You I trust. Make me know the way I should go, for to You I lift up my soul." (Ps.143:8)
That was my specific prayer for you this morning...that God would deepen the knowledge of His vast love for YOU... and that He would show you the details of today... the way you should go. Praise God that you are not alone. He goes before you and behind you, hemming you in. I wait expectantly to hear about how God Himself met you and your family today.
With love and hugs,

shannon said...

I As I wrote before I cant say I know your complete pain I can say time does ease day by day , contiue to look to the man above he will show you and your family comfort and peace be with each of you as you go through 1 more of firsts. Tomorrow you will be in my prayers , hang in there.Take care

Shannon Lauxman-Sutton

Pilar GAGO (Spain) said...

Hello Kelly!

It's Pilar Gago writing.You may not remember me...I was in your basketball team in 86/87 in EHS.

I am writing you from Madrid, Spain,my hometown, where i live now.

I heard about Bryan's death about a week ago. I froze when I read it. I still keep a pic of him from those years. I remember both, you and him, at school and one day at your parent's home...I am really sorry Kelly.I can not find words to warm you i just write in your blog so you can see your words of love and care for him have crossed many miles to Europe.
Surely, he is listening when you talk to him
beautiful music

take care!

Big hugs from Spain

You can find me in facebook

Have a good weekend

Pilar Gago

Kelly (Klungreseter) Fitzpatrick said...

Hi Pilar! I DO remember you from our varsity basketball days! I quit facebook after one week but i think i will reactivate so i can connect with you! look for me soon.

thanks for your kind words and for your sympathy--i would LOVE to see the pic you have of him.

a great big hug right back at you from America! :) kelly

Kelly (Klungreseter) Fitzpatrick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.

WARNING! Tissues Required-Video Slideshow of Bryan's Life-Sorry the music was muted!