Squeezed like sardines in the TV room
Enjoy the bleach blond Chad and Casey!
YEAR TWO: So after a year of a sister's perspective on the loss of her brother, this blog is taking a new turn. I have decided that now would be a good time to share a father's perspective of the death of my son. There are more stories to be told--some may make you laugh, some may even make you cry. But they will all come from my heart.
As I was listening to the lyrics, I was telling God in my heart, "I am holding on to You, God. I am!" And I sensed His reply (not in words--how could I hear it over the sound of those speakers!) was, "No, I am holding on to you!" God spoke to my heart last night. Has He been speaking to yours?
I sometimes wonder what He was saying to my brother in the last days or hours of his life. This time last year, Bryan was on the fast track to physical peril, and ultimately death. It was a scary thing to witness; athough he did not allow us much opportunity to see him. But I cling to the belief that Bryan was His, and He was with him. Even at the end.
Since the gal who inspired this newly formed habit of mine--to list what I am thankful for on Mondays, to count my blessings, to be mindful of His movement in my life--I have had no trouble adding to my list the easy stuff, the good stuff, the fun stuff, the yummy stuff. But I have yet to include the ugly stuff, the hard stuff, the painful stuff, the confusing stuff, the inexplicable stuff. If you read here, you remember that our family has been reading Pilgrim's Progress, an old tale written centuries ago but still so relevant, so true to the path He has me on this year. I said I couldn't wait to read what John Bunyan's solution was for Christian being entrapped in Despair's Dungeon.
Well, the answer, the key, the way out was to REJOICE! In ALL things, despite our temporal, this-side-of-heaven view of our circumstances. To thank Him and sing His praise. Even when we don't feel like it. And with that obedience, Christian remembered the key of Promise, which opens any door in Doubting Castle! And he was free. Since I want to be free, and I want to obey, I will add some ugly things to my list today:191. missing brother
192. no pumpkin seeds
193. one less person who will STAND with me here in the battle
194. crying momma
195. crying daddy
196. aching heart
197. missing piece of long-practiced traditions
198. songs that make me sob
199. missing socks
200. quarreling siblings
201. failing again
202. missing the mark, again
203. crushed little heart by my less-than-gentle response
204. mounds of laundry
205. piles of dishes
206. lost history book
207. lost notes with important numbers
208. lost shoe
209. lost library book
210. lost mind
211. lost moments
212. lost family
213. lost friends
214. lost neighbors
215. missing bear hug
216. hungry children in faraway places
217. little girl paralyzed
218. friend losing home
219. husbands struggling to provide for their families
220. lonely, hurting, despairing people alone at Christmas time
221. family celebrating their first Christmas without their beloved Marilyn
222. one woman, the weight of the world--so many burdens for Suzie, all at one time
223. little boy who tries so hard but just can't
"Lord, bring beauty out of these ugly things, somehow. Give me eyes to see Your beauty in them. If not here and now, then someday when Your "I'll Explain Later" becomes NOW. "