Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Futility

So weird. I logged on to write my blog today just after searching for a sample of the new U2 CD "No Line on the Horizon". I have been wanting to check it out. No luck.Then I signed in here and who should be blaring on this very site but U2--singing their "Beautiful Day"? Close enough. It's a U2 day. Although I never remember my brother being especially fond of U2?
That is the weird thing about a one-side storytelling attempt like this blog. Bryan is not here to round out my stories, to share his perspective, to add what I overlooked or left out, to correct me. I am trying to tell his story. But I can not truly accomplishing that. I have been kinda struggling with that this week. I do have many more stories to share but when I try and share something that captures the essence or just really "shows" Bryan, I am at a loss. I can't do it. I am not him. I can't give the motivation or feeling for why he was who he was or did what he did. I can only give you my view of it. I can only offer bits and pieces of my collage of memories of my brother. I can't make you "see" him or enjoy him or understand him if you didn't know him while he breathed. I won't be able to do that, no matter how hard I try, even for my sweet Peter boy. He will grow up "knowing" the Uncle B I created here. So I feel like this is all a little bit foolish and mundane and useless today. This blog will never be able to do what I set out to do with it.
I tried to remember Easters in the Klungreseter household. I am so scatterbrained and forgetful. I feel like someone snatched a good portion of my cerebrum while I slept last night. My mind is just not what it used to be. I can't conjure up one Easter tradition or morning memory with of my brother when we were little. We did not celebrate Easter together as adults as he usually worked and we usually attended a Resurrection Celebration so I could not even use a more recent story. As I was reading some other blogs I follow and enjoying their offerings of Easter photos and memories, I felt sorry for myself. I can't remember any Easter stories with Bryan.
He would chime in with, "No way sister! Don't you remember that time when..." if he were here to tell his own stories. He had a seemingly endless supply of memory on his hard drive. Wish you were here Bryan to be my storyteller. You are so much better at it than me.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kelly,

I don't think you can really comprehend exactly what this website is for people like me. Bryan was my family. I remember him in bits and pieces from memories and stories our families tell at holidays and things my sister and brother have told me. Being so much younger than everyone else, I didn't get a chance to build my own memories and have my own picture in my head. With every single story you write, even if that day it's not about Bryan, I get a bigger picture. Of all of you. Your mom and dad, Bob, the children, and especially Bryan. You're helping me put together a picture in my head of the man we all love and miss so much. And I'm so grateful. So, yes, you are in every single way accomplishing what you set out to do with this blog. Teaching all of us what a kind and loving man Bryan was, to know that our god is merciful and loving, and above all else, to not waste a single moment you have on this earth.

We love you out here, and we think about you every day.

Kerstin

Jackie said...

Kelly,
Perhaps the memories of Easter egg hunts and eating yellow/purple peeps is left out of your memory for a reason. The significance of the day will be have far more meaning when you share the day again with him, in the presence of Jesus. Bro and sis reunited experiencing the fullness of joy (because of the Resurrection) for all eternity. The memories of Easter past will pale in comparison to Bryan's stories of heaven's Easters... starting with, "Kelly, let me tell you all about Easter 2009..."
Love to you,
Jackie

Kelly (Klungreseter) Fitzpatrick said...

Kerstin,
Thanks so much for your honesty. You write eloquently sweet cousin. And convincingly. I will keep on. Even if I can't truly tell "his" story, I still get to see that face every day.

I miss you all. Hugs to your family--and my sweet baby girl! Give her a kiss for me!She was excited to hang out with you all. Wish I were there.

love, kelly

Kelly (Klungreseter) Fitzpatrick said...

Jackie,

Thanks for the perspective change--so needed. It is sometimes hard to grasp that death will just be a memory and tears will be no more when we are all together again. Sounds like a song! Oh yeah! It is! But it is a true story too. Can't wait. Oh how I am longing for that day today. Thank you dear friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers today and your precious sister. Her update cracked me up today! love, kel

Kelly (Klungreseter) Fitzpatrick said...

Where are you Aunt Ingy? Thinking about you today and praying for you. I am sending you a package for Easter, just a tad late!

Anonymous said...

Kelly, I am here everyday my sweet neice.Please don't ever doubt your storytelling abilities because you sure have helped me to take a much needed trip down memory lane and for that I am eternally gratful.Keep it up Kelly, you have something wonderful here!!!!!Peace and Love, Aunty Ingy

Anonymous said...

Kelly, what about the 1st Easter in our new house in Escondido. The little water gun fight which turned into a huge war:-) You sitting down on all the hard boiled eggs when you slipped on the stairs? Your Grandpa getting the hose and watering everyone who came around the corner of the house? Bryan on the roof with the hose? What great fun that Easter was. Love MOM

Anonymous said...

What I think has happened to all your early Easter memories my sweet darling, is that because we were living in the world way back when and did all the traditional Easter things, your more recent memories of the true reason for Easter was not to celebrate candy gifts and egg hunts, but our saviours death and resurrection!

Daddy

Anonymous said...

Amen brother!!!!!

WARNING! Tissues Required-Video Slideshow of Bryan's Life-Sorry the music was muted!