Saturday, January 30, 2010

Sister's Last Blog

Bryan David Klungreseter

Kelly Lee Klungreseter Fitzpatrick

I am in the process of putting this blog in book form for my parents. And even though I dislike posting photos of myself, I am doing it for my mom. I know she will like having a spot with both of her children side by side. It is one of my great laments, that Bryan and I did not have more photographs taken together. This is the best I could do Momma. I am no good at photoshopping and fixing--otherwise I would have made it look like we were really together here. Wait! We were together in the picture of Bryan. It was a whole family photo! We just aren't standing together! So pretend we are hugging. And enjoy the obvious fact that we both got Grandma Birthday's cheekballs! Dad has them too!

"Good-bye." Not my favorite word. When my dear Grandma Birthday died years ago and I spoke at her funeral, I remember saying, "It's not good-by Grandma, it's see you later!"

Here I am, signing off after a year of sharing my ups and downs, my laughter and tears. In what sometimes felt like naked transparency. In this place, I have shared what was going on inside a heart that grieved painfully after an unexpected loss. I miss my brother every single day. I weep even now as I think of the huge hole left in my life, my days, my heart with him gone.

I have tried to honestly share my questions and doubts and pains and fears. It has been here, in my cyber journal, that I discovered what I truly think. Ann Voskamp says it is a handicap, "needing to live all things twice, in breath and in word, before you can really understand your life" . But I just say that is how I am. And you have been here on the journey with me--to understand my life. Thanks for hanging on for the wild ride.

I could not offer a neat little paragraph summarizing all that I have learned in this year of mourning. I wish I could. I prayed many times that I would be able to see with my human eyes here and now what God was doing in my family, in my life, in my heart by taking Bryan Home so soon. I have wanted to have "something to say", to share with others who will walk this path one day. Might as well make this pain useful. Learn something. Share something valuable. But I can't.

Since I still don't know and may never know this side of Heaven, I will say this for the record: "I still believe. I don't know so many things but I know this: I need God more than I have ever needed Him before. So I chose to stand on what I do know and not what I don't. I have His promise that He knows the plan and it is ultimately good. And for His glory. He knows and I can trust Him. Even if I don't know what He is doing."

There. That is said. I don't want anyone reading one or two of my really vulnerable posts where I share my sorrow and sadness without adding the praise that follows quietly. Jesus has brought His peace to my heart, peace I can't understand or explain. But it is there. Even in the middle of the storm.

If you have been reading here with me and hurting too, you are suffering from unexpected loss--of a child, of a marriage, of a dream, of your innocence, or your purity, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, you just have a hurting heart. I want to end by suggesting two good books that can address sorrow and offer Hope in a much more succinct and articulate way than my stumbling, simple words ever could:

The Holy Bible-The Book of Psalms by God

Hope for Hurting Hearts by Greg Laurie

And I am offering a free copy of one book to any one out there who is wrestling with some of the questions and hurts that I have shared on this blog. Please just leave a comment with your email address and I will contact you to get your mailing address. I will send you either book totally free. These books ministered to my pain in very powerful and effective ways. Please let me share their Truth with you. There is Hope in the middle of your grief. It would be my pleasure to share it with you.

As for the future, look forward to my Daddy's new perspective for this blog. The baton has been passed, the new chapter begins soon! Stay tuned!

See you later!
Kelly Klungreseter Fitzpatrick,
Bryan's sister, David & Vickey's daughter, Bob's wife, Reilly, Kate, Samuel, Aidan, and Peter's momma, God's girl.


Anonymous said...

Kelly, In case I did not say this enough.....THANK-YOU!!!!!I am sure that at times this was very difficult.You have made me stop and ponder alot of issues and I am in your debt for that.At times I had put our savior on the back shelf and through your faith and strength I am renewing my faith also!!!!!Thank-you again my dear sweet niece.....Peace and Love...Aunty Ingy

Anonymous said...

I love and miss you Kelly. -Briann

WARNING! Tissues Required-Video Slideshow of Bryan's Life-Sorry the music was muted!