Sunday, June 14, 2009
Six Months and Counting
I guess I was foolishly thinking that I would be healed or better or this would all be easier by this time--six months. It's not. I still think about Bryan everyday. The loss washes over me at random (and inconvenient times). I feel that aching hurt deep down inside of me and I wonder if it will ever go away.
I was at my friend's daughter's graduation and I cried because it hit me that my brother won't be there when Reilly graduates from high school. Her biggest fan won't be there to make it an incredible night. My brother's cousin is graduating on Tuesday and I lamented that Bryan wouldn't be there to tell Justin how proud he is of him. And then there are the Wednesday night family nights at my parents--it is not the same without him. Mom's macaroni and cheese casseroles make me nostalgic for our childhood. I could go on and on. I just miss him and I feel sorry for myself. And even crying doesn't make it feel better. Nothing does, some days.
Then I am reminded that Bryan is not wishing he were here. Bryan is in heaven, where there are no tears or pain or suffering. I don't think he would come back to this side even if he was offered the chance. Not even to share in these special milestones that are so painful for us without him here this first year. I am not sad for him anymore. His death, the despair in his last days, that was all fleeting. I believe Bryan is experiencing life as he was made for it. Glorifying God. For eternity. When my perspective is shifted off myself, I see his gain and not my loss. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I never understood that truth before. I am beginning to. Slowly. As time is healing my broken heart. I am not sure I will ever understand completely, all the suffering and sadness involved with losing my brother, my good friend. But on this, the six month since he left this earth, I am glad for him.
But I do wish I still wasn't so sad for me and my momma and my daddy. And every one of you who still smiles (or cries) when you think of his witty humor or generous ways. Or a glimpse of his big cheesy grin flashes before your eyes. For all of us, I am so sorry. But not for Bryan. I am truly glad for him.
I miss you Bryan. I miss your hugs. I miss seeing our mom's smile of pride when you walk in the room, gearing up for a good laugh. I miss hearing daddy talk sports over the phone with you. The Lakers wiped out the Magic and he only had Bob to share it with. My kids miss your face. I just ache for missing you. Maybe in six more months it won't still hurt as bad?
Posted by Reilly Fitzpatrick at 8:51 PM