Sunday, June 14, 2009

Six Months and Counting

I guess I was foolishly thinking that I would be healed or better or this would all be easier by this time--six months. It's not. I still think about Bryan everyday. The loss washes over me at random (and inconvenient times). I feel that aching hurt deep down inside of me and I wonder if it will ever go away.

I was at my friend's daughter's graduation and I cried because it hit me that my brother won't be there when Reilly graduates from high school. Her biggest fan won't be there to make it an incredible night. My brother's cousin is graduating on Tuesday and I lamented that Bryan wouldn't be there to tell Justin how proud he is of him. And then there are the Wednesday night family nights at my parents--it is not the same without him. Mom's macaroni and cheese casseroles make me nostalgic for our childhood. I could go on and on. I just miss him and I feel sorry for myself. And even crying doesn't make it feel better. Nothing does, some days.

Then I am reminded that Bryan is not wishing he were here. Bryan is in heaven, where there are no tears or pain or suffering. I don't think he would come back to this side even if he was offered the chance. Not even to share in these special milestones that are so painful for us without him here this first year. I am not sad for him anymore. His death, the despair in his last days, that was all fleeting. I believe Bryan is experiencing life as he was made for it. Glorifying God. For eternity. When my perspective is shifted off myself, I see his gain and not my loss. To live is Christ, to die is gain. I never understood that truth before. I am beginning to. Slowly. As time is healing my broken heart. I am not sure I will ever understand completely, all the suffering and sadness involved with losing my brother, my good friend. But on this, the six month since he left this earth, I am glad for him.

But I do wish I still wasn't so sad for me and my momma and my daddy. And every one of you who still smiles (or cries) when you think of his witty humor or generous ways. Or a glimpse of his big cheesy grin flashes before your eyes. For all of us, I am so sorry. But not for Bryan. I am truly glad for him.

I miss you Bryan. I miss your hugs. I miss seeing our mom's smile of pride when you walk in the room, gearing up for a good laugh. I miss hearing daddy talk sports over the phone with you. The Lakers wiped out the Magic and he only had Bob to share it with. My kids miss your face. I just ache for missing you. Maybe in six more months it won't still hurt as bad?


Anonymous said...

Ah Baby girl.....I soooo wish I could make this better for you and all our family.With the Lord's grace you and everyone else will slowly heal.Do not ever put a time on grief because I have learned that greif knows no time!I love all of you and wish with all my heart that we find our way back to closeness somehow.....Peace and Love,Aunty Ingy

Anonymous said...

Six months,six weeks, six days, six hours and yet sometimes it feels like only six minutes ago our lives were changed forever. No more Snuss for me to talk sports, life and the relative meaning of our quail hunts! He was so excited about teaching the boys to hunt, just as I had taught him so many years before. The milestones that he will not attend is way to long to list, but as I think about them all it makes my heart burst in pain and again the tremendous grief overwhelms me and engulfs my entire soul and I sob shamelessly. The sobs seem to wrack my whole body and I shutter giving in completely to my pain. But then I grab on to what I know to be true, God answers prayers and he answered our's when we asked him to help our son. What helps me add another minute,hour,day, month and yes even soon a year, is that knowledge that he his exactly where he belongs, standing tall next to Jesus and adding a little of his humor the situation......


Kelly (Klungreseter) Fitzpatrick said...

i sometimes second-guess the direction of this blog. i think: man, i am morbid! this is too real. and i can't tell happy stories because i feel sorry for myself. then i get a response like yours daddy and i know it is right. i worry about you because i don't know what is going on in that stoic heart of yours. and for whatever weird reason, this blog has forged an opportunity to be open and real. even if it is online and strangers can see into our lives too. bizarre, yes. but i am so glad. i don't care if it is shameless and vulnerable. thanks for giving me a glimpse of your heart today daddy. i miss him too. but like you, i grieve with HOPE. because our separation is only temporary. all this pain is fleeting. blink. one day soon we will all be together again. just think how fast our reilly girl is growing! time is racing on. thanks for the visual of Bryan standing tall next to Jesus. that made me smile. in the middle of my tears. i love you dad. we will go on. another minute, another hour, another day, without him here but always in our hearts. boy! that sound so much like a sappy card. but that is what helps. i guess that is why there are cards like that :)

love, me

ps i know quail season is coming up and even though you know bob doesn't like killing stuff, i am sure his sons will. it won't be the same but nothing ever will so let's embrace what there is. teaching my sons to hunt like you did yours.

WARNING! Tissues Required-Video Slideshow of Bryan's Life-Sorry the music was muted!