ME

Last night I hit the mother lode! I found a treasure trove of written artifacts in my brother's own hand. The archived pages, college-ruled notebook paper safely stored in a yellow Pee Chee folder for more than 20 years, were written in my brother's tight, neat handwriting. They are a gift. I love the way he made his "y"s. I am so glad that somehow, Bryan saved these words he penned in High School. I discovered and devoured them today.

Piecing things together, I believe that as a sophomore at EHS, Bryan had Mr. O'Conor for English. One of the regular assignments was to journal or write an impromptu composition. There are more than a dozen. The Pee Chee folder revealed many secrets to me. I did not know that my brother DESPISED our principal. It was very apparent in his very opinionated writings. I had no idea he had views on organ and tissue donation. He spoofed Madonna, quoted Robert Frost, retooled the lyrics from a Beatles song, wrote scathing commentary on closed campus lunchtime, demonized his principal, memorialized my Uncle John. From his own pen, in his own words, he disclosed a few more parts of himself to me. I share one with you today.

Me by BDK

The gusting wind blows through my hair,

But standing there I do not care.

A solitary tear glistens in my eye,

But I swore to myself I would not cry.

So instead of shedding my tears,

I reminisce of the past and present years.

And suddenly I recall all my worst fears,

Of hissing snakes and shaking piers.

I look down through my feet at the cliff descending below,

At the waves rolling in achingly slow.

I think of my mother and of my father,

And I realize now why I had bothered.

I look down again at the hard rocks below,

And realized, it wasn't that bad.

Written in October 1987 when Bryan was a 15 year old sophomore at Escondido High School.

Yesterday, the words written in my very own hand made me cry, "2008 is gonna be great!" Twenty years ago, Bryan composed, condensed his fears, "hissing snakes and shaking piers", in one line of a poem. In the end though, things don't always turn out the way our written words define or describe them. But they are still there, saved on a blogspot and in a Pee Chee folder.

Birthday Card

So I have been on Facebook again connecting with Bryan's old friends. Today was fun (thanks for the pictures Shelly). But I decided that since I have been suffering from brain fade I would go tonight to my parent's and get all his yearbooks and other stuff from a box in their garage (thanks Shannon). It was good. I found a birthday card that I sent him last year. If you came to his memorial, you heard me give Bryan's eulogy (along with my dad) and one thing I lamented then was that I was not sure if I told him what a neat guy he was or that I was so proud to be his sister. God is so good to put this card in my hands. Let me share with you the card I gave to my brother on his 36th birthday, one year ago, on February 5, 2008:

Brother

As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man. Proverbs 27:19

A great brother is a wonderful blessing.

A great brother is a good friend and an understanding listener.

He knows how to make everyone smile--

but he also knows when he just needs to be there with his care and support.

You can count on a brother like that.

And you love him, pray for him, and feel thankful for him, too--

on his birthday and always.

You have always been a great brother and wonderful friend. I'm so glad we're family.

Happy Birthday

"Bryan, You are one of my FAVORITE people. How blessed I am to have you as my brother. I thank God continually for YOU! 2008 is gonna be great! Praying for His joy, His peace, His light to be yours as you live out this next year of your life. I love you. Kelly"

A Face for the Name

Aunt Ingrid with her girls, Kathryn, Lynsey, and Amanda
The Peace & Love Commentor has a face!
Thanks for all your encourgaing words Aunt Ingy.

More Photos--They belong with the post about Grandma Birthday

Grandma Birthday and Bryan-April 1993
Bertha Pauline Klungreseter

July 28, 1922-October 18, 1996

Family Photos of the Week of the Memorial-My Parent's Home

Uncle Arnie & Cousin Jenn

Cousin Brittany, Niece Reilly, Dad David, Cousin Beckey

Cousins Nik, Trina, and John

The kids enjoying one of the many meals that friends provided for us ALL!

Aunt Shirley and her sister, Bryan's Mom, Vickey

Cousins-Mathew, Marc & Wyatt, Justin & Paige & Uncle Larry

The kids performing "Baby Shark"

Dad, Nephews Samuel & Aidan and Cousin Chad

Cousin Beckey and Pete

Aunt Emmy and Aunt Kathy

Uncle Larry

Bryan's Aunt Shirley and Uncle Arnie

Bryan's cousin Chad and Chad's mom, Aunt Emmy

Parker & Klungreseter Families December 2008

Genesis 3:19

Birthday Past

Tears were shed, stories were shared, hands were held, chuckles were stifled, ashes were scattered. Thursday, February 5, 2009 at 3:30 pm in Big Bear, our immediate and extended family and friends cast Bryan David Klungreseter's dust, all that is left of my great big, cuddly brother's earthly vessel, into the wind (and snow!). That final and painful task is completed.

As if the circumstances for our gathering weren't enough for a story, we encountered quite a few setbacks to make it more to Bryan's tastes--ludicrous, incongruous, morbid, lugubrious. Big words for: kinda funny if it wasn't so sad.

We got lost, we couldn't contact the owner of the cabin, when we finally found it, the alarm sounded while we scurried to get the disarm code, it began to snow, people slipped, i brought a script but didn't stick to my plan, it snowed harder, we prayed and listened to Johnny Nash's "I Can See Clearly Now" and told a few of our favorite stories. ( I liked yours best Gary--so like Bryan to pass the buck :) and then we each shared a private moment before spreading his ashes over the mountainside. It was good. It was bad. Can something be both?

Holding his ashes in my hands and tossing them into the air wasn't as hard as I thought it would be (I had read online about how it is done--downwind is the key). The handful of dust in my palms was not really my brother. The REAL Bryan, the best part of him, his soul, lives on and I hope to meet him again when my days here are completed. I do not grieve as the world grieves because I have Hope. So that part was not as macabre and mournful as I anticipated.

But going on, being there in Big Bear, sitting around the fire, eating french toast, playing games, laughing, snacking, telling stories, playing in the snow, all WITHOUT him is what was really hard for me. I tried not to think about it too much. But then a thought would pop into my mind, or I would remember a glimpse of the past, or I would look around and notice his absence, and it hurt. I guess that is what the future will be like, just moving forward, pushing past the pain and the "firsts" of life without him here and choosing to savor the sweetness of the past and clinging to my Hope for the future.

I rejoiced for my brother, thinking about him in Heaven with my Grandma Birthday. I gave her that name (her real name was Bertha Pauline Klungreseter) when I was a little girl. My other cousins called her other loving names but Bryan and I always called her Grandma Birthday. She was the life of the party in my eyes. For our childhood birthdays, Grandma Birthday brought the cake, the best presents, her huge smile. I made the jump from Bertha to Birthday quite naturally.

Bryan celebrated his 37th birthday (yes, I made him a year older in the last post!) with Grandma Birthday and Jesus and the others in our family who have gone home to Heaven. He got the better end of the deal, celebrating his life with no more tears or pain or shame while the rest of us got wet and cold and even a bit ashy while we remembered his birth 37 years ago. I can only imagine what kind of farcical and uproarious story he would have told about the service. I could just picture him cluthcing his chest and laughing hard while we stood there in the snow. I will wait with hope to hear his loud laugh and bask in his huge grin and feel his strong arms embrace me again. Until then, I am so glad you were born, Bryan.

PS Thanks for joining us dear family, Uncle John and Aunt Barbara, David and Jenn, Mathew, Marc, and Wyatt, Pete and Beckey, Tabitha, Paige and Brittany, and friends, Gary and Carrie, Justin and Mary Beth. I am so grateful to you all for sharing in our celebration of Bryan's birth and life.

PPS I will post pictures of the service when I get them from Mary Beth or David or Beckey--hint, hint :)

Scattering His Ashes

We leave tomorrow morning and head for Big Bear. It is Bryan's 37th birthday. He and I would have been the same age for two months. For many years, Bryan took us all up to the mountains to celebrate with him on or near his February 5th birthday. So we go without him tomorrow. But in his honor, to celebrate his life, to hug and cry and remember all the love he shared with us. It will be painful. One month and 21 days--that is all the time that has elapsed since his unbelievably sudden and unexpected and tragic and horrible and ugly and awful and unimaginable...death. The wound is too fresh, still so new and deep. But we go because what else would we do tomorrow? We must, I was compelled, we all are--to go where he chose to go and be where he liked to be for his birthday. I am not a glutton for misery. I wish with every cell in my body that I did not have this task before me: to spread his ashes, "...for dust you are and to dust you will return." On his 37th birthday. I add this to the blog because it is a chapter in his story and I cannot edit the story, no matter how badly I want to.

This is what I plan on sharing up there on the mountain, overlooking the lake, in some private spot as we cast his dust into the wind:

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone,

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what Bryan would want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

It is a pep-talk for myself. If you loved him, maybe they are words of encouragement for you too. Please pray for our immediate and extended family as we gather to complete this last paragraph in the chapter of Bryan's story called death. It is not the final chapter of his story--his will go on for eternity. I am convinced and assured of that. But this is the last task left to his earthly body--to return from where it came.

ps-The Playlist for today is playing the music that I chose for the service.

May the Force Be With You

Star Wars came out in 1978? I was born in '71, I can remember my mom jimmy-rigging the speaker at the drive-in movies so that Bryan and I could hear it as well as watch it. Drive In Movie Theaters--remember those? My parents would back into a spot in our pick-up truck, bring fried chicken from a bucket, and load us up on Milk Duds. They made us wear our jammies. I remember my brother being embarrassed to be out in public in his pajamas--I think he even refused to use the toilet because it meant walking there in them. As I am remembering, I think we were in a tiny green Datsun B210 for our Star Wars adventure. We were both so excited. EVERYONE had seen it--we wanted to as well. Remember what that feels like?

I remember thinking that the light sabers were amazing--my mind couldn't wrap around the idea of a sword made of colored light. A child's view! Bryan and I would pretend we had our own. Bryan was Luke, I was Darth. His favorite character was Chew-Bacca. He liked the sound effects the furry giant made. Star Wars was ahead of its time--the "special" effects were mind-bending to 7 and 8 year olds! We had many hours of fun pretending we were Jedi Knights and Storm Troopers. We didn't understand the bigger themes of good versus evil, right versus wrong, good guys beating bad guys. We just thought the spaceships were awesome and modern. We were terrified of Darth and his Death Star.

Our family is watching the early Star Wars movies for the first time. We just finished the one I watched in 1978. (Some of) My kids are 7 and 8. Bryan wanted to be a part of this childhood "rite of passage" but I put it off. I have stop putting things off. Yesterday, my kids and I popped popcorn in the middle of our school day, cuddled up during Peter's nap and watched a movie that my brother and I were enamored with and awed by when we were their age. It was so good to see this film (an icon from our childhood) from my children's point of view--just little kids enjoying an action-packed fantasy movie. They were entertained. No mining for deep meaning. No teachable moments explored. Nothing serious (or real for that matter). It was just fun. I laughed at the low-tech effects and silly plot. But they just enjoyed. I felt like I was a kid again, seeing it for the first time. This time, without Bryan. Oh to be 7 again!

Calvinist?

I have a few kids that are just like their uncle--book lovers. On Bryan's "my space" thingie, he adds that he enjoys a good movie (and he had LOTS) but nothing compares to a good book! Every day in the Fitzpatrick home, we observe a sacred hour: silent reading. I am serious. It is my refuge and refueling time. Our son Aidan usually loves this hour as much as the rest of us. But I have not been getting to the library like I usually do. He has exhausted our supply of "boy" books. Aidan has strict criteria. The books his sisters loved don't fly with him. I truly thought I had this voracious reading thing under control--just use the list from which I satisfied the other two appetites from. NOT! So I feel like I am back to square one. But without the drive, motivation, and time to get to the library. So I was desperate for our quiet time this afternoon. Peter was napping, the other three had found some book to occupy them, I wanted to curl up with a book, but Aidan was floundering. When Aidan is idle, things go awry. It is not quiet. The refuge becomes an asylum. I NEEDED something fast.

Uncle B to the rescue! A few years ago, my brother (who has earned THE BEST GIFT GIVER EVER award for his magical ability to please his recipients) gave me The Complete Calvin & Hobbes Collection. Not just "The Best of"...no, no! The ANTHOLOGY. It is three huge volumes, hard cover, thousands of pages, tens of years worth--it is gigantic. It is great! It is among my prized possessions.

Now I have held Aidan off for years from reading these books from cover to cover. We have read my pre-screened choices together. But the books have been contraband to him, the forbidden fruit. And today, I let him pluck from the tree unbidden. I was desperate! I realize that all the subject matter is not necessarily appropriate for a seven year old boy, my unstoppable little force who does not need any help coming up with new ways to shake up our lives. Did I mention that I was desperate?

So he sat in my comfy chair right next to me and giggled and chuckled and talked to himself and just delighted in Calvin and his antics. It was a joy to behold. Even if I did provide him with a year's worth of fuel to fire his already overactive imagination, Aidan received joy from my brother's perfect gift. Bryan had been so excited to give it to me.

Last year (or was it the year before?), he bought the boys The Dangerous Book for Boys. He was so excited to read it that he stayed and finished it after they went to bed. He gave them a warning about page 109 and then let them at it. Then came Kate's The Daring Book for Girls. He just looked for ways to add zest and pleasure to the kids lives! And he was very eager to pass on his passions and interests to them. He was such a fabulous uncle. I know I have mentioned THAT before :) Aidan didn't even realize that I was processing our sacred hour and preparing to memorialize it in this blog. He was just enjoying a good book from one of my favorite people--a gift that keeps on giving from one stellar gift-giver!

PS I added the books to his shelf at the bottom of the blog if you want to check them out!

Super Bowl Sunday

San Diego Super Chargers-Didn't make it this year either!

Our family loves a good Super Bowl Sunday Party: the game, the food, the fun, the commercials (wasn't that Mr. and Mrs. PotatoHead one funny?). We just got back from one. Oh what an exciting game! Too bad for my Cardinals--I would have loved to see Kurt Warner get his ring. So close! I thrill in a good underdog story. Warner's story is classic. I couldn't help but root for him. Bryan loved underdogs too. Even as a kid, Bryan sought out the younger, weaker, geekier kids on the playground and befriended them. That is just who he was.

Bob and I are slowly watching some of the many Bryan movies from his dvd collection. The Goonies, The Sandlot, Brave Heart, Hoosiers, Rudy, Remember the Titans, you get the idea. All stories where the odds are stacked against one guy or one team. Yet against all odds, they defy the numbers, the circumstances and succeed! Bryan loved a good underdog just as much as me. Truthfully, I always kidded him about having a "Savior" complex--he so enjoyed caring for, rooting for and supporting the broken or brokenhearted. He was a merciful man.

Bryan was faithful to the Chiefs; he never switched to a stronger team. He didn't insist on always picking the winner. He was that kind of guy, loyal and faithful even when things looked bad and no hope was on the horizon. I loved that about him. I pray my sons grow up to have that tender heart that roots for the underdog.